I should have probably written this awhile ago. No idea if it will help, but maybe it will just for a little while. Sometimes just a little while is what I need.
I’ve existed with depression for quite some time compared to how long I’ve been around. It used to just creep up on me and while I feel like when I was younger I could shake it off, I’m not sure that was the case. Now though it just seems to sit just slightly out of view, enough to pop up without even the slightest hesitation. I’m not one hundred percent sure, but it almost feels like every day lately I have a bit of a depressive episode with some suicidal thoughts. Tonight I’m having trouble shaking it.
While leaving the theater tonight, a rather large truck was passing through the parking garage going the opposite way. It certainly didn’t look like I could make it around them and they waved me on. A car was pulling out behind me making it impossible to back up anyway, and a friendly honk pushed me on through. Once passing them another kind motorist for some reason pulled out of their space and again I found myself feeling blocked off. Deciding I probably could get passed I went forward and was delighted to hear the rear of my car scrapping against the garage.
Now most people I think would be upset with this. For me it started out that way as I left the garage, but slowly devolved into suicidal thoughts. Part of me figured I should just pull over somewhere and maybe let it pass, but I managed to get home in one piece. It wasn’t till towards the end of the ride home that I was starting to try and distract myself from the terrible thoughts that were flooding my mind. I’m still not well, so it was probably good I drove home.
It’s getting harder to see much point in sticking around. I’m not sure humanity was anywhere near something resembling kind, but it sure seems even crueler now. The way people defend acts of violence as something deserved, and usually seeing it as justified. The way people mock those that try to enter this country seeking something resembling safety. The reality that by entering this country there is no real guarantee that you’ll be safe from the violence you’re trying to escape. A country where people are still murdered because their skin color isn’t the right color. A country where people are murdered because they love someone of the same gender. A country where someone that isn’t comfortable with the body they were born into are murdered.
Now maybe you might wonder why I brought all that up, it’s because that’s what comes flooding into my mind. Just all the horrible people in this world that make it hard for people to live anything close to a happy life, and why I should exist in this society.
I’m now at the point in this depressive episode where I think about the kind people I have met. The ones that I have to remind myself would probably actually miss me if I was no longer around. I guess that’s why I stick around.